Avoid the heat!

The weather is going to be hot. Very hot. So hot the media, as a Philadelphia Inquirer columnist noted, is going to send reporters all over the region to say that, yes, it's hot over here, too!

In the spirit of our helpful smoke-detector PSA, WeTheSheeples would like to bring you some useful tips for staying cool and safe. Other agencies can offer you some generic heat tips, but it's really up to us to share some useful ones.

First off, don't leave your kid or your dog in the car "for five minutes." It's always more than five minutes. Plus, because your wrists will sweat, the handcuffs will be far more uncomfortable.

Generally speaking, most white folks don't regularly encounter 110-degree heat. If you're of the melatonin-deprived variety, you really ought to look to other clueless white guys who made a habit of hanging out in dusty, baked regions. We see that most of the American health agencies' tips must be descended from the British experience:

Wear light-colored, loose-fitting headwear. Just as in winter, the head carries a huge amount of the body's blood flow. Get your head hot and the rest of you will get hot, too.

Drink lots of clear fluids. Some people recommend plenty of water, or stuff like that VitaminWater stuff. Others say the clear fluids may include Tanqueray gin, Gilbey's vodka, Martini & Rossi vermouth, and some Seagram's tonic water. With a wet spring and hot weather now, there's a bumper crop of mosquitos; the tonic water contains quinine, which can help prevent malaria.

Avoid particularly hot regions, like South Africa and India.

So, in conclusion: The best ways to beat the heat are to stay out of former British colonies (presumably including this one), wear a pith helmet, drink lots of gin-and-tonics, decide appropriate levels of force against peasant uprisings, and offer understated expressions: "A wee bit of warmth today, eh, guvnor?"

It's the media's fault

The Associated Press focuses only on the bad news from Iraq, showing another clear example of how the media is losing the war there:

Assailants slit the throats of a mother and her three children Wednesday in southern Iraq, where the family had fled to escape threats that they had cooperated with the Americans.

The mother's sister was also slain in the savage attack, which occurred in an apartment in the southern city of Basra, police said.

Just the bad news up front. But then we get a tiny, tiny taste of the good news from Iraq:

Five other family members were rescued before they bled to death.

It's all about the five people who died, but the five people who didn't quite die barely get a mention. Is this the fair, neutral and objective reporting that the media claim to prize? Apparently not, because the AP immediately dives back into the bad news:

Officials said the family had fled Baghdad for Basra after receiving threats because they had cooperated with U.S. forces. The officials gave no further details and spoke on condition of anonymity because they feared reprisals by sectarian militias that have infiltrated Basra's police.

Well, helllooooooo! Why not emphasize those members of Basra's police who do not belong to the sectarian militias? They might even be the majority of the cops. Instead we focus only on those bad eggs.

The only thing missing from the top of this story is the hint of impending civil war. These guys even effectively claim that, in June, as many Iraqi civilians died in violence, as Americans died in the Twin Towers? Stephen Colbert has such an accurate sense of truthiness: Reality must have a liberal bias.

A national common cause?

Decades ago, this nation fought raw evil: A genocidal, megalomaniacal dictator in Europe, and a megalomaniacal nation filled with genocidal soldiers in the Pacific. To win, America united. Nearly everyone was affected by the war effort. Children participated in scrap drives, women entered the work force en masse as "Rosie the Riveter"s, people bought war bonds in quantities that are simply amazing today. The war effort at least led people to encourage others to work together. The economy was transformed.



Today, America is disunited in wars on two continents. The United States spent the equivalent of $428 billion in World War II. One projection of Iraq is $2,600 billion. The White House fired a financial adviser who projected expenses of $100 billion to $200 billion, but his worst-case figure has already been passed: It's now $293 billion. (Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4,
5.)

The United States will have to figure out a way to pay for these wars. Why, then, can it only do a terrible job in preventing wars and even nuclear attack?

What this country needs is something to unify it. To win World War II, workers united with industry united with government. Such unification would be appropriate and possible if the United States truly sought to free itself of its reliance upon oil, which of course comes from politically unstable countries, dictators and simple nutjobs in South America, Africa and, of course, the Middle East.

The great majority of France's electrical needs are supplied by nuclear power. That's a relatively easy, relatively safe answer to supply issues.

Conservation is even cheaper. My neighborhood hardware store now sells compact fluorescent lightbulbs for $0.99. They'll save many times that figure in electrical use, and nearly last forever.

America is the land of ingenuity. Yet more engineering jobs are shifting off our shores, more Americans are dying in far-off lands to support the oil thirst, and some borderline fuel-efficient vehicles are ridiculed. America can, and must, do better. Why not cut our oil entanglements?

America the broke

The hosers are worried America's financial problems will bring down the economy of the northern suburbs:

THE NUMBERS are staggering -- a US$43-trillion hole in America's public finances that's getting worse every day. And the stakes are almost inconceivable for a generation of politicians and voters raised in relative prosperity, who've never known severe economic hardship. But that plush North American lifestyle to which we've all grown accustomed has been bought on credit, and the bill is rapidly nearing its due date. If the United States can't find a way to pay up, the results will spill beyond national borders, spreading economic misery far and wide. In Canada, the country whose financial well-being is most tightly tied to trade with the U.S., there wouldn't be a single region or industry left untouched by a fiscal shock south of the border.

Worth a few minutes of your time, eh?

A man of the ages

The Richmond Times Dispatch printed an obituary honoring a most unusual man, Federeric Arthur Clark. MeTheSheeple feels as if he must honor this man. The obituary opened:

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids.

My favorite passage:

During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon.

Let's take a minute to honor a man who obviously had been so full of life.

The site's getting pounded by Fark.com users, but the original link is here.

Bastardization

I was appalled to read today's Boston Globe with a mention of how the U.S. Supreme Court ruling on Guantanamo Bay detainees is being spun into "special privileges for terrorists." The Washington Post has more.

What the hell happened to those freedoms the terrorists hated? Following international law in just a handful of cases isn't anything too terrifying. This is coming on the backs of earlier reversals of the administration, which wanted to keep lawyers and evidence from U.S. citizens.

It was this sort of junk that led American colonialists to rebel against Britain, making these lands a beacon for freedom and basic human rights. Now, just a couple of centuries later, we Americans are flipping those ideals and ideas on their heads, then insulting anyone who supports them.

Some of the Gitmo detainees are undoubtedly bad people. Some of them are undoubtedly not bad people. It's up to a fair trial to determine, in a process that treats them as humans with some native rights. America is in a war of ideas, and the other side thinks we persecute Muslims unfairly. Isn't it a better idea to follow our nation's founding ideals, show the world a better method, and reduce the hatred for being a bunch of hypocritical bastards?

Ironic and moronic

Two great bits of irony from the news this morning:

A man heads to Iraq to create a video documentary about Iraq's long history of human rights advances. The man, reportedly a well-trained American veteran, is arrested, locked up for two months, and beaten. An American general declares that "This case highlights the effectiveness of our detainee review process." The "detainee" was never charged.

Massachusetts' Democratic Party wants to stop people from using negative publicity to attack candidates. A special panel will review advertisements. If panelists find offenders, they'll use negative publicity to attack candidates.

Womb with a view

MeTheSheeple is proud to announce that MrsSheeple is back-ordered on delivery of LilSheeple, who is still in production. LilSheeple is expected to arrive in about eight more months.

Reasonable?

Our president said that the United States had a "reasonable chance" of shooting down a North Korean missile. Now, imagine someone living in San Francisco, aware of North Korea's efforts to develop nuclear weapons. Want to bet your idea of a "reasonable chance" is different than the president's?

High-stakes stuff.

Freedom

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.