Avoid the heat!

The weather is going to be hot. Very hot. So hot the media, as a Philadelphia Inquirer columnist noted, is going to send reporters all over the region to say that, yes, it's hot over here, too!

In the spirit of our helpful smoke-detector PSA, WeTheSheeples would like to bring you some useful tips for staying cool and safe. Other agencies can offer you some generic heat tips, but it's really up to us to share some useful ones.

First off, don't leave your kid or your dog in the car "for five minutes." It's always more than five minutes. Plus, because your wrists will sweat, the handcuffs will be far more uncomfortable.

Generally speaking, most white folks don't regularly encounter 110-degree heat. If you're of the melatonin-deprived variety, you really ought to look to other clueless white guys who made a habit of hanging out in dusty, baked regions. We see that most of the American health agencies' tips must be descended from the British experience:

Wear light-colored, loose-fitting headwear. Just as in winter, the head carries a huge amount of the body's blood flow. Get your head hot and the rest of you will get hot, too.

Drink lots of clear fluids. Some people recommend plenty of water, or stuff like that VitaminWater stuff. Others say the clear fluids may include Tanqueray gin, Gilbey's vodka, Martini & Rossi vermouth, and some Seagram's tonic water. With a wet spring and hot weather now, there's a bumper crop of mosquitos; the tonic water contains quinine, which can help prevent malaria.

Avoid particularly hot regions, like South Africa and India.

So, in conclusion: The best ways to beat the heat are to stay out of former British colonies (presumably including this one), wear a pith helmet, drink lots of gin-and-tonics, decide appropriate levels of force against peasant uprisings, and offer understated expressions: "A wee bit of warmth today, eh, guvnor?"